This summer I showed my art at a three-day festival over Labor Day weekend. It was the first time I had committed to selling my work in a place other than a local gallery where I’d had pieces for years. I researched all the materials I would need to set up my display and felt a bit disheartened that I might end up spending way more on materials than I could possibly make in sales from my art. I considered all types of displays – professionally designed and beautiful racks (too expensive), shower curtains that would hang from the steel bars (tacky), and a hundred other options. I finally decided that the best, reusable solution would be 4-sided, flexible peg boards with peg hooks that could be moved and adjusted as I sold pieces. I found the peg boards and purchased them online, but could not find the peg hooks I needed, so I ventured to Home Depot with my husband and teenage daughter in tow, with about 5 days to go before the upcoming festival.
I like to be self-sufficient, so we walked around for quite a while – looking in what I suspected to be the places one would find peg hooks – the 'Nails and Screws' aisle, near the wood, home storage, and more, but with no success. Finally, a Home Depot employee walked up to me and asked if I needed any help. I was relieved and said, “Yes! Do you have peg hooks?” The man responded, “We do!” And, then he just stood there, smiling. Smiling at me for longer than what was comfortable for a simple, transactional experience such as this. So, after the long pause, I said, “Can you show me where they are?” And, the man responded, “Oh, you’re a needy one today, aren’t you?”
Insert my annoyance and frustration here. I think it is important to add some details about the employee now – he was a very kind looking man, about 5 feet 6 inches tall with white hair, a Home Depot apron, and a Home Depot hat, and he was in his late 70s or early 80s. At no point was he rude to me; he maintained a genuinely friendly smile and eventually showed me to the exact peg hooks I was looking for. I grabbed two packages, thanked him politely, and headed toward check-out.
Once I made the purchase and was walking out of the store with my daughter and husband, I asked them both, “Why did that annoy me so much?” My husband reflected on the question and didn’t answer right away. My thirteen-year old daughter, however, answered immediately, “Because he wouldn’t have talked that way to a man.”
I almost stopped walking because I realized how accurate her response was. At first, I had thought that I was upset that he had treated me like a child, but when my daughter said those 10 words, I realized that wasn’t true – I was upset because he had treated me like a woman. He treated me differently than he would have treated a man – plain and simple.
This started a discussion with my husband, who is a General Manager of a big-box retailer and has interviewed more than 10,000 people in his career and has a steady team of 150 or so employees, myself, and my thirteen-year old daughter. We discussed sexism in general, sexism in the workplace, the evolution of anti-discrimination against all minorities, and the generation gap. My daughter has been fortunate enough to grow up comfortably surrounded by many generations, from her grandparents and great-grandparents who are in their 70s and 80s, all the way down to cousins who are years younger than her. She understands that different generations act in different ways and that older generations sometimes say things that we would not say. And, she was 11 when the #metoo movement started, so she has grown up in an age when women are proudly and loudly standing up for themselves and their rights.
After talking through “all things sexism” I found myself asking the question – which reaction was “correct”? As the customer, I am entitled to be treated fairly, and I had a right to be upset. But I grew up respecting my elders, learning to brush off the controversial comments that would come out of my grandparents’ mouths. Was I overreacting in feeling so frustrated because the man was from a different era, or were my feelings valid?
So, I started talking about it – to my friends, family, and colleagues. It wasn’t a major life experience, I hadn’t been assaulted or abused, but for some reason I really felt the impact of it, and it weighed on me. I have worked my entire life to be respectful and kind to others. I have also worked in the hospitality industry in one capacity or another for more than 20 years, so I have dealt with my fair share of people who were much more rude than this man. I then thought about how I led my own teams and provided consultation to companies across the nation in diversity and inclusion of all kinds, including the ever-growing generational gap. I understand and embrace people who are different - it is part of who I am.
As I chatted with others, I found that they, too, all had similar stories of someone saying or doing something that made them feel uncomfortable, but they just continued on with their day because it wasn't that big of a deal. Many of them had filed the encounters in their memory banks until we started talking, and then, a light would shine in their eyes and they would contribute their stories to the conversation. Most conversations then evolved to discussing the immense importance of the #metoo movement, women’s rights, even back to women’s suffrage, and how critical it is that our children grow up in a world where they don’t have to accept behaviors just because “that’s the way it has always been”.
After lots of processing and conversations, I determined that there really is no right answer. I finally settled that the reason I felt so torn about my emotional response is because this time in America is so confusing. We find ourselves growing into a more accepting society – working towards equality for all and teaching our children to rise above the mistakes from our past. But as we evolve – others are fighting just as hard to maintain the status quo and revert to the what they consider better times.
I understand that the experience I had at Home Depot wasn’t that terrible, and to some it might not even be worthy of a second thought when so many other, more significant, tragic events happen every single day – legitimate, infuriating issues like ongoing racism, prejudice, harassment, and discrimination. But I would challenge those with that opinion to reconsider that it is in fact the little things, the small experiences, that mean everything – as they are what help us to continue on the journey to become more accepting and understanding. It is moments like these that we can choose to fight against crippling thoughts like “it is the way it is” or “this is the way it’s always been", to think for ourselves and question when something doesn’t feel right, and to spark conversations of change that transcend generations.